


Darcy Lewis Needs Her Coffee NOW

by AlmostBriarRose



Series: Steve Rogers vs. Coffee [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Coffee, Darcy is a bamf, Multi, Steve is getting sick of this bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 22:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11701302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostBriarRose/pseuds/AlmostBriarRose
Summary: Steve gets called into work on his morning off, and he is not exactly happy about leaving his position as Clint and Natasha's personal body pillow. The emergencies at SHIELD are never normal, but this one is way out there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack. I don't even know. I made it 2 chapters because this one was really getting away from me. Like, so much so. I really do love it, though. I want everyone at SHIELD to be terrified of Darcy because reasons. 
> 
> A holdover HC from some older fics I may or may not post: Coulson and Darcy are cousins.

There was a loud thump near his head, and Steve’s eyes flew open. He found that his vision was obscured by Natasha’s hair, which was fanned out across his face. He quietly spat it out of his mouth and tried to sit up, only to find Clint and Bucky also wrapped around him. He glanced around as best he could with Natasha sprawled mostly across his torso and face, her nose buried right behind his ear. Clint mumbled in his sleep and shifted to wrap his arms tighter around Steve’s waist, dislodging Bucky in the process.   
“Well doesn’t this look like fun,” came a whispered voice from Steve’s left. He snapped his head around, almost pushing Natasha away, and Tony was seated on the couch with three mugs of coffee next to him.   
“Why the fuck are we on the living room floor?” hissed Steve, trying to untangle his girlfriend from his neck before attempting to wake her. He wanted to survive this morning, thank you very much.   
“Thor brought back some of his ever-amazing Asgardian booze, and we all got trashed on vodka and tequila shots while you, Barnes, and Thor chugged maybe twelve bottles of whatever that stuff is,” replied Tony, finally reaching down to tug at Clint’s ear. The archer batted at his hand and rolled closer to Steve, which just put the dense pile of muscle that was Clint on top of Steve’s stomach and hips. Steve rolled his eyes and began to card his fingers through Clint’s hair, his short nails scraping at his scalp. Clint yawned and slit his eyes open happily. He reminded Steve of a cat on the rare mornings where they didn’t get up at the crack of dawn, wanting to cuddle up on top of him.  
“Morning, Stevie,” he mumbled, sitting up next to Steve. “Coffee?” Tony held out a mug for the archer, who took it gratefully and sipped at it. “What did we do last night that I feel like Colossus and Logan used me as a sparring dummy?”   
“Lots of shots,” came Nat’s husky morning voice. She pulled herself off Steve’s face and chest to let him sit up. “Sugar?” she asked, and Tony nodded. Her hands were held out expectantly for her coffee mug, and Tony rolled his eyes before handing Natasha a mug printed with Steve’s shield. She took a sip before making a happy noise and snuggling into Steve’s side, with Clint curling up almost in his lap.   
“Let’s let Buck sleep a bit more,” said Steve, untangling himself from his girlfriend and their – well, he wasn’t sure what Clint was anymore. He was more than a friend, but they hadn’t labeled it as anything else. They really needed to talk about that soon. He managed to get Bucky off the ground and into some sort of fireman’s carry without waking him, and he quickly headed toward the elevator that would take him to Bucky’s apartment, where he would hopefully find Darcy.   
Bucky began to mumble and stir, and Steve calmed him back to sleep by rubbing his palm gently over whatever part of Bucky’s back he could reach and humming. “C’mon buddy, let’s let you sleep this off,” he grunted quietly to himself as he managed to get his friend in the door of his place and into his bedroom. Which was devoid of Darcy. Huh. He shrugged, brushed Bucky’s hair out of his eyes, and closed the door on his way out.   
He made his way back up to the living room, where Clint and Natasha had moved to the couch, curled up together under a blanket with a movie playing softly on the TV. “Get Bucky into bed alright?” asked Nat, looking up at him as he squeezed his way in between the two spies.   
“Yeah, he slept like a rock,” replied Steve as Clint tried to burrow his way into his side. Natasha maneuvered so that she could slip her legs over Steve’s lap and her toes underneath Clint’s thigh, leaning her head against Steve’s shoulder. “Darcy wasn’t there, though. I wonder where she got off to.” Natasha hummed quietly as Clint dozed off in the circle of Steve’s arm. 

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Clint had dozed off again and was drooling on Steve’s shoulder while Natasha had managed to wrangle one of the many cats that roamed around the tower into her lap to snuggle as she and Steve channel surfed. They passed the time discussing the various reality TV shows they came across.  
“Steve, you have to admit that Fixer Upper is the perfect show. Chip and Joanna are this incredible power couple, and their use of shiplap is incredibly perfect,” she said, frowning at him over the cat she was nuzzling.   
“Yeah, but Income Property is just so much more practical. Like, he’s helping these people fix up a spare apartment so they can make a little more money and make their lives easier,” argued Steve, kissing the top of her head. She opened her mouth, about to argue back, when Steve’s phone started buzzing. He shifted carefully to pull it out of his pocket and checked the number. “What’s the problem, Coulson?” he asked, frowning. He really didn’t want to work today.  
“Captain, I know it’s your day off, but we’ve got a situation here. I wouldn’t have called, but Barnes hung up on me after cursing in Russian and I can’t get hold of Natasha,” he said, his voice strained. Steve glanced over at Nat, nursing her coffee and cuddling a cat. She rarely got mornings like this, so he decided to let her relax.  
“Natasha’s busy, I’ll be there in ten,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He hung up the phone and nudged Clint until he moved. “I’ll be back in a bit. Coulson’s got an emergency, and apparently nobody else could deal with this one.”   
Natasha pulled herself up to his face and gave him a kiss. Clint mumbled sleepily and curled into Natasha. Steve grinned and leaned down to press a kiss to the top of his head after he stood up. “Come back in one piece, Spangles,” the archer murmured into Natasha’s thigh as she played with his hair.   
“Will do,” he laughed as he walked away from the two spies curled up on the couch. He went down to go change and grab his shield. 

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Steve walked through the door into SHIELD headquarters and found everyone on high alert. He was wearing a lower-key, more tactical version of his uniform, with his shield strapped to his back and a gun on this thigh.   
“Thank God. Cap, you need to stop her,” said a hysterical woman, throwing herself towards him.   
Steve quietly disentangled her from around him and set her off to the side. “I will do my best, ma’am,” he promised, making his way to where Coulson seemed to have set up a tactical station.   
“Steve, thank God you’re here,” said Sitwell. “She’s on a rampage! We don’t know what triggered it, but Darcy Lewis has gone rogue.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is so done with caffeine deficiency. WHY IS THERE NEVER COFFEE?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all like this one as much as I do. Darcy as a badass is my favorite thing and I can't walk away from it.

“Steve, thank God you’re here,” said Sitwell. “She’s on a rampage! We don’t know what triggered it, but Darcy Lewis has gone rogue.” Steve blinked rapidly, convinced that he had misheard Sitwell.  
“Can you… run that by me again?” asked Steve, brow furrowing. He had to be hallucinating; Darcy may be volatile, but she wasn’t dangerous.  
“I always knew she’d lose it one day,” said Fury as he swept past the two of them. “She’s holed up in my office, believe it or not. She knocked out six of our best and hacked six levels worth of the elevator to slow us down.”  
Steve’s eyebrows shot up. “I don’t know if I’m getting this right. We’re talking about the same Darcy Lewis that works for the Science Trio?”  
“Yes. That Darcy Lewis. She’s been on our watch list since New Mexico, but we never thought she was truly a threat if we toed the line where she and her scientists are concerned,” replied Fury. He was angry, but trying to keep his cool in front of all the baby agents gathered in the lobby.  
Today at approximately oh-four hundred, Darcy walked into the building and began searching for coffee. She had terrorized sixteen floors by the time I got here,” said Coulson. He leaned closer to Steve, “Fury wouldn’t believe me when I said this is just how she gets when she hasn’t had coffee in three days. Sorry I couldn’t warn you more.”  
Steve’s eyebrows shot up. “Why is there no coffee in an office building?”  
Coulson shrugged, “No idea.”  
“Rogers, make her stop,” ordered Fury, crossing his arms and glaring. Steve shrugged and handed his gun to Coulson before heading towards the elevator. He pressed the button for the floor with Fury’s office before leaning against the elevator wall. He rolled out his shoulders as he stood there, preparing for Hurricane Darcy. Right before the elevator opened, he beckoned an agent over.  
“Sir?” asked the agent, who looked shaken behind the façade he was trained to project.  
Steve smiled at him and placed a soothing hand on his arm. “It’s going to be just fine, son. Could you go tell Coulson and Fury to send up a large dark roast with four sugars and two creamers and a double chocolate muffin from that place down the street?” requested Steve, moving away from the agent.  
“Yes, sir!” called the agent before running over to Coulson and Fury. Steve stepped into the elevator and caught Coulson waving at him before jogging out of the building. His phone beeped a moment later with a text from Coulson, You want anything?  
Tea, black. Thanks. Steve stuck his phone back in his pocket and leaned against the wall opposite the door to the elevator. He was tense; this elevator ride was going way too smoothly for Rampage-Darcy to be around. He tensed as he approached the upper floors. Six floors below his goal, the elevator ground to a halt between floors.  
“Well shit,” he grumbled, moving to pry the doors open. He glanced up on a whim, and stopped himself. The ceiling of the elevator was lined with water balloons that were not filled with water. He quickly located the trip wire for it – at the bottom of the elevator door where he would have to step to get out. He managed to carefully pry open the elevator doors and hoist himself up without setting off the balloon trap.  
“Good job,” came a voice from across the room. A man wrapped in towels from head to toe was crouched under a desk. “The balloons got me in the other elevator. Can you get the stairwell door for me? I can’t get this purple goop off of me.” The man stood and held up a black-gloved hand. It was covered in Darcy and Jane’s space lube, and Steve shook his head before carefully making his way through six more traps. He opened the door and propped it.  
“Just follow my path exactly, and you’ll get out okay. You’re going to have to scrub with baking soda to get it out of your clothes; just a heads up.” The man saluted Steve as he walked past, muttering under his breath about pledging allegiance to Steve’s ass. Steve rolled his eyes as he moved to make his way up the next six flights of stairs.  
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.  
After another half hour of careful travel up the stairs and through hallways, he stopped outside Fury’s office and caught his breath. This girl really needed a fucking promotion in SHIELD.  
“Darce? Can I come in?” He slowly pushed the door open. The lights were all off, and the curtains were pulled tightly shut. The only light was from the hallway. Darcy was curled up in Fury’s desk chair, cradling her head in her hands.  
“Congrats, you fucking win,” she grumbled. “You get to kill me.”  
“Hey Doll, how are you?” asked Steve, his voice low.  
Darcy squirmed in the chair, uncovering her eyes to peer at Steve. “I’m dying and I felt like taking SHIELD with me for being the worst office building ever. How does a thirty story office building full of people who barely know what sleep is have no coffee at all?” She curled into herself even more, and Steve noticed she was still in her leggings and sweater from last night. Her glasses were tossed carelessly onto the desk, and she squinted as she peered at him through tangles of her curly brown hair.  
Steve’s brow furrowed and he moved over to stroke Darcy’s hair back from her face. “You sure you looked hard enough back home? Because Tony had made coffee by the time I woke up.”  
She nodded and leaned into his touch. “I tore the whole tower apart. I couldn’t even find Barton’s secret stash he keeps on hand for when Natasha runs out,” she mumbled. Her eyes started to flutter closed again. After a few moments, Darcy’s head shot up and her eyes widened. “Fucking Wilson. It has to be him. The goddamn troll is stealing our fucking coffee!”  
“Huh?”  
“Wade Wilson, calls himself Deadpool. He works with SHIELD every so often, and I’m his handler when he does. Huge troll, multiple personalities, and a healing factor that surpasses even Wolverine,” she said, leaning into Steve as he began to massage her temples to try and help with the caffeine headache she had to have been nursing. “The fuck must have heard me mention how much coffee we go through in a week and decided to prank the shit out of us. It’s good, I’ll give him that.”  
“I’ll keep an eye out for him on security tapes and have Tony up security if you’d like,” offered Steve as Coulson came in with the huge coffee cup and a muffin in hand.  
“Hey cuz, you feeling better?” he asked, holding the coffee and the pastry out to her. “Truce?” Darcy made a noise that reminded Steve of a dying cat and made grabby hands at the coffee.  
“Why wasn’t this your first solution?” she asked. “I’d have less of a headache if you’d just gone to get me coffee in the first place, Phil. You knew what was going on.”  
Phil rolled his eyes and leaned against the door. He had a spot of purple goo on his suit, and he frowned at it before speaking, “Sitwell was here when you started getting upset. You know how he is. Also, Fury finally admitted to me that you’re on his watchlist.” Darcy giggled to herself as she cuddled the coffee cup and muffin to her and looked hopefully at Steve. He grinned and leaned down to pick her up. She snuggled into his chest as he carried her out of the room. Phil grabbed her glasses, phone, and sweatshirt from Fury’s desk and followed them out. They made their way to the fire stairs, which Darcy hadn’t touched. She had, however, changed the security footage to look like she’d given it the same treatment as the rest. She drank some of her coffee as Steve carried her down the stairs as gently as he could.  
A few flights from the bottom, she jerked out of a small doze and looked over at Phil for a moment. “Sitwell’s going to try and restrict my access again, isn’t he?” she asked, dozing in Steve’s arms even as she sipped at her coffee.  
Phil shrugged, “Eh. He’ll try, but he won’t be able to. Everyone’s afraid of what Natasha and Clint would do if you weren’t handling their debriefs anymore.” He reached over and she handed over her coffee and muffin to him and curled further into Steve’s chest as she yawned.  
“All clear!” called Coulson as the trio emerged from the staircase. “You can lecture her tomorrow, boss. She’s grumpy, hungover, and I think she’s coming down with a heckuva cold again. But first I’d make sure there’s coffee in your building.” Fury just nodded, while Sitwell just gaped like a fish.


End file.
